Upun my Word!

1. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

2. This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full ofterrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

3. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

4. I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

5. I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

6. Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

7. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best Before End'

8. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."I said
"No, just a watch."

9. I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

10. My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

11. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

12. I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his name, it's P something T something R.

13. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't
put it down.

14. I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

15. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of
voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

16. I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

17. This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

18. I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

19. I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

20. This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"

21. I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the
bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

22. I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

23. I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

24. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

25. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

26. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

27. I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"